U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
