Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
