No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
