I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
