Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
try to milk me bitch
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