Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
