Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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