Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
