one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
