dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
