Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
