I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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