I'm so fucking centered right now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
