dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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