i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize