I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
