..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
