its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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