Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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