He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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