I just gift wrapped bread.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
