just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
