I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
