For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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