mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
