while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
