You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
