The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
