Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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