"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
