it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
