I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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