He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
