What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
