I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
