My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
