im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
