and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
