at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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