Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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