i would punch a child for taco bell
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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