Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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