Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
