you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
