He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
