he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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