my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize