Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
