GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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