and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
