im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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