I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
