I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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