I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's the barista slut.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
