i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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