i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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