This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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