I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
