clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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