I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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