college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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