come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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