the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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